Yes, I know abysmal spelling in the post title is very unlike me but I was just trying to emulate how the guys in Baseball usually shout this phrase out in cartoons.
<End of mandatory perfunctory sentence describing title>
Obviously, the title is connected to my hatred against sports. I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite some time but I got the boost needed to get me off my lazy ass when I stumbled upon this blog in which there was this post. Yeah, that dude has some serious talents where sarcasm is concerned. Go ahead, read that post first so you’ll know I didn’t copy his views but rather, echoed them in a different manner.
I’ve been on this planet for 21 years. I can tell you without any fear of being biased that men follow sports more ardently than women. This is for 2 reasons – a) It’s a mandated stereotype that masculinity and sports are connected in every which way, and b) Most men actually like watching sports. But there is a difference. Some people play sports and some people … simply watch them while bitching about how world class players can’t do things the said people (presumably) can go about doing routinely … blindfolded and with hands tied behind their backs.
The Chennai stereotype for a sports fan is a fat dude, most plausibly adept at quizzing, who can rant off about players from every team in Football, Cricket, F1, Basketball and what-not. He can tell you their statistics, past players from the team and their statistics, team/club statistics in the sport since the beginning of time, how bad/good a particular player is/was, rare events that happened in the sport etc. I have always played around with making a Fat Chennai Quizzer Dude meme.
Anyway, random bitching part, here is a comprehensive list of things I absolutely hate about commercial sports, stylised with numbered points for your viewing pleasure.
I am going to be addressing some random dude (obviously, Srinivasan) who is the Fat Chennai Quizzer Dude in question or just addressing people generally through the rest of the blog post.
1) They’re Commercial:
Dude, if you point out to me that money is the cornerstone of capitalism, I will bitchslap you from here to Valhalla in one backhanded motion that would shame Federer. Just because a nation is mad about something, you must make money from it, is it? No, more than that, it is the fact that such huge money goes into cricket that it is telecast all over the place and influences the younger and more naive generation. Hockey, our supposed *national* sport might as well not exist.
But more than the fact that such blatant commercialism exists, it is pissing off to see that my generation *wants* it to exist. Really? You want them to make obscene amounts of money while you sit at home and watch people playing against each other? I fail to see the logic behind this. But I fail to see the logic behind the whole *viewing sports* thing. They pit 2 sets of 11 people against each other, while making exorbitant amounts of money from stadium tickets, adverts, investors (and probably bookies), franchise material like T-Shirts, mugs etc. and by selling broadcasting rights. Meanwhile, you sit there watching these players fight it out and in doing so, helping this whole money chain move along. Imagine, just by sitting there, you are helping other people rake in more money than you’ll probably make in your entire lifetime.
2) You *see* them:
You do *not* play them. That was my point. I am not able to comprehend the euphoria you get from watching 11 dudes battle it out against each other for one ball to hit one place. I find it utterly stupid. I understand the whole point of sports. Be it football or cricket, you run around like mad and it is good exercise while you have fun.
I give concession to people who see chess games. Why? Because if you can sit through the longer version (not rapid fire that Anand just won), you are really engaging your brain. You’re probably an interested player if you’re watching the game in the first place. How do you benefit from seeing Football or Cricket? Do you try to imagine strategies that would help your team win? If you are a serious player, I can understand seeing some awesome footwork or batting on field and learning from it. But you’re a FCQD. You have probably never held a bat in your entire life. Remember that.
3) You are not the winner:
Somehow, you blithely ignore this fact. There is some sort of endorphin release when the team you support wins the game. Dude, unless you have put in too much money with your bookie or have a personal relative playing in the game whose change of fortunes will reflect yours, you shouldn’t care. I’ve seen football maniacs have a conversation like this:
Dude 1: Fuck you, I am a <random FC> fan. We are gonna win this season.
Dude 2: Dude, we are <random FC>. We own your ass every time.
Dude 1: That’s ok man. Wait and see this season. We have <random player>.
Dude 2: Macha, we have <random player>. Your <random player> can kiss my tushy.
Dr. Phil: What we see here is a very advanced form of delusional detachment. Both subjects (herewith referred to as “dude 1” and “dude 2”) are talking about sports teams as though they were a part of it or they had some stake/ownership of it. Bringing them back to reality may already be a lost cause but I suggest Lobotomy as a final recourse.
You are at home, far far far away from where the EPL or whatever is going on. You will, in NO way influence the players’ victory or defeat. No, that random gust of wind you blew will not travel all the way to the stadium and affect the ball so as to make it miss the target. No, there is no way. Do the math. Go ahead. I didn’t bother doing the math because I believe I cannot comprehend such small numbers as the answers might be.
On a side note – I shit you not when I say this but 2 gangs of juniors (of different ethnic groups .. hence supporting different teams in the IPL) actually got physical in an argument concerning superiority of the team they supported. Can you imagine that? About 20 people trying to knock sense into each other about how one set of 11 entirely, completely and totally unrelated people are better than another set of such 11 people. Seriously?
4) You are not Mr. Perfect:
Coming from me, that may be misconstrued as cynical but yes, it’s true. So the next time you have heated up debates about which sports team is better and about how some random captain should have made a better team line-up/formation/called up the better player, use your brain first.
You’re a fat dude sitting on a couch. That guy is a blood, sweat and tears hardened veteran who has played so many games that he is appearing on national TV and there are a bunch of advertisers ready to sponsor him for his awesomeness. Are you so fucking retarded that you think you’d have been better in his shoes? Bitch Please. Stop criticising him and try doing something more useful like … I dunno .. Go cure cancer or something.